The Art of Truly Listening
Do you think you are a good listener? What makes someone a good listener? I used to think I was quite skilled at listening—I knew about body language, eye contact, reflecting back, and summarizing. Yet I've discovered how much I still have to learn! What is really happening when we listen to another person?
I have attended several listening trainings with Tessabella Lovemore, and my awareness has gradually expanded as I've awakened to the possibility that developing an ability to truly listen to another is one of the greatest gifts of love we can offer each other.
Last week, I delivered the first part of this same listening training to a group of school staff—individuals open to discovering and examining our human capacities of communication based on our listening skills. I felt immense gratitude witnessing the power of their willingness and interest to engage in practice and discover more about themselves and others.
As teachers and parents, we want our children to listen to us and follow our instructions. At our core, we also want to listen better to our children to understand them. We want to understand our partners, colleagues, family members, and close friends—both for our own benefit and for greater harmony. Yet communication is complicated and often blocked. We frequently end up feeling misunderstood and frustrated. At times, it can feel unbearable to listen to certain people, causing us to become stressed or even angry. We may reach a point where we can barely hear more than a few words before we assume we know "where the conversation is going."
You may have childhood memories of being told "to be quiet and listen," or "listen and do as you're told," or even that "children should be seen and not heard." We were often spoken to as children and expected to listen and follow instructions—sometimes even to speak only when spoken to. Our parents wondered, "Why do my children never listen to me? I tell them a hundred times, and they ignore me or forget what I tell them." Likewise, as children, we may have thought, "My parents never really listen to me; they don't understand me."
Then we find a partner, an interesting friend, or a new companion, and for a while, we're entranced. We seem to listen to them in awe, and they do the same for us. And then, things change. This person appears to be repeating themselves, or they seem to be trying to control us. We think they might be secretly manipulating us into their way of thinking, or they simply become uninteresting to us! Our beliefs and fears around listening are triggered, and our sense of connection is lost.
What does it mean to develop our listening skills—to cultivate our capacity to truly listen to others without our own stories or agendas interfering?
It's truly magical and such a gift.
Yet importantly, this should not be confused with the idea that listening is about being 'good' or obedient. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing, liking or disliking, rescuing or prescribing solutions for others. It's not about doing as we're told. Real listening is about setting others free to hear their own stories, to find their own unique solutions, to experience someone being fully present and open. It's about providing a non-judgmental witness as they talk, allowing speakers to hear themselves speak, to be seen, to be heard, to feel a connection with someone who isn't trying to fix, correct, blame, or impose opinions. This experience is rare in today's world, as we're all so distracted—multi-tasking, feeling anxious, and harboring unconscious fears. Yet having someone really listen is something we all deeply long for.
Would you like to join a listening practice and discover some truly impactful ways to improve connections and a sense of joy and peacefulness in all areas of your life? Yes, this really has the potential to change your life and the lives of those with whom you live and love. Being able to listen authentically in freedom, can free you and the other in ways you can’t yet imagine!
Look out for announcements for the next Listening Training to begin here or email your interest to admin@wellsprings.edu.hk