The Other Is Not Wrong.
Living in a Bubble
What does it mean when we say "we all live in our own bubble"?
Consider how it feels when we 'know' we're right and the other person just doesn't get it—when they refuse to admit they're 'wrong.' How frustrating that we cannot see eye to eye (or is it 'I' to 'I')? Why do some people always have to be right?
Who truly is right?
Who is right?
Is it our duty to tell people when we "know" they're wrong and they "need" to be corrected? "I know how the world works, what's needed here, and I can't let you continue thinking that way. I will persist until you admit you were wrong. Only then can I relax. If not now, I'll wait for the next opportunity to help you understand."
I can explain gently or forcefully, but you still need to understand that I am right! How difficult it can be to let things go. If I back down, the Other will think they've won. What about my integrity? And justice! And should we allow the Other to be right when they are clearly wrong (to me)? What a thought!
Stories of Our Lives
I'm preparing for a biography workshop next week and have been reflecting on the value of retracing key life experiences using personal timelines through the phases of life. Such profound questions and realizations about our lives can be unearthed through biography work.
Who am I and where am I going? What is my purpose? Why do I keep getting stuck? Why do I repeat the same mistakes?
Some people don't understand—if only they hadn't acted in that way, how different my life would have been. And some people are my saviors. Looking back, I see I didn't realize how important they were to me. I need a stroke of luck soon... am I guided by angels, or is someone always out to get me? There is nothing I can do... it's fate...
How uniquely we experience our lives, and what leads us to develop in such different ways? Why is one person's reaction to an event so different from another's? Is there a reason why one person can cope with adversity while another seems to give up? Where do I discover my resilience? If only x had happened, then y...
All these questions feel overwhelming. I find it remarkable how easily we forget that our numerous and individual life experiences shape us uniquely and form our particular view of the world. When I listen to another person's life stories, I notice the urge to immediately find similarities in my own. Or the urge to share that I understand what went wrong and how they can fix it. I have the solutions! Yet, really—whose story is this?
That thought alone is sobering.
I Just Want to Help
I have, in the past—and sometimes still do—fallen back into assuming that I fully understand, quickly forming ideas about the "right way" to resolve situations. This comes from seeing their story as similar to mine, or believing I learned from a similar experience: this is what I would do, what I read somewhere, what I heard—therefore I know what they should do. I genuinely believe, in good faith, that sharing my thoughts about a person's next step is the "right" thing to do. I have a desire to help.
But I cling to my own thoughts in my own bubble of experience. It's so easy to feel frustrated when the Other doesn't listen or follow my advice. I know I am right.
In doing so, I risk misunderstanding the world as seen by the Other. I live in my bubble where the world makes sense to me and shapes how I respond. And the Other lives in theirs—and to each of us, our bubble is our means of survival. It has shaped us to act, feel, and think as we do, at least up to this point.
So how can the Other be wrong, when their actions, feelings, and thoughts are formed from their unique journey? How will it be better for them if I can recognize, "You are not wrong"? Then there is nothing to defend, and new space can open up.
How do we cross through the barrier of our individual bubbles to truly be with and see another? How do we free someone and allow them the possibility of seeing us?
The inspiration comes from Active Practical Love, The How to Love Course, where we can practice exercises that help us move beyond separation and the need to be right. In this way, we can enter a greater sense of ease, releasing tension and frustration towards others.
See more info under Courses - Active Practical Love
Truth Seeking
After the Biography workshop on October 16-18 at Highgate House School, I hope to open my eyes a little more and loosen my grip on needing to correct and put right. With reverence for the Other immersed in their own experience... as my colleague and I guide participants through exercises to reveal more of their own Truth, as we listen to each other and share our stories.
We can only speak of our own Truth. This is awe-inspiring. I uncover my Truth while the Other becomes my witness. I witness the Other so they can understand and discover their own Truth. After all, the journey towards our Truth is what unites us as human beings.
In that open space we create through listening, I meet you, I see you...
I am reminded of Rumi's famous words:
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about."
With love, Julie x
In that open space we created through listening, I meet you, I see you…